This comes from the most honest place in me, and from the conflicting things I’ve experienced in my relationships.
I have always been the person who functions in a hyperactive mode when it comes to communication — long calls, giant emails, essays, and writing breakup songs (yes.)
I recently read a book called The Let Them Theory, and honestly, that’s what is grounding me this morning. I touched on this briefly in my essay called Life Is Not a Race: you cannot control external events or what other people do. You can only control yourself.
This realization shifted me from abandonment and catastrophic pain to relief and peace. I can never control whether a person wants to stay in my life, cares for me, or chooses not to. Those things are completely outside my control, and no amount of over-explaining will change that.
At first, this feels like giving immense power to the other person, because it feels like they can do whatever they want and I’ll still feel bad.
Yes. Yes, I will.
Because for years, I cared deeply. And for years, I believed: “If I just explain more, if I just say more, maybe it will work out.”
What I’ve realized is this:
You can love someone, and still know they are not right for you.
You can love someone, and still feel unsafe with them.
You can love someone, and still know that you deserve more.
You can never control what someone else does, but you can understand their capacity and character. The steady thought holding me together through this is:
I am a good person. I am excited about many things, and I have a beautiful life filled with love. I love labrador retrievers, and I am OK.
The ground will not shift beneath me, because I am the ground. I am the anchor. In this one life I get, I can only control my actions, and how I give to others and to myself. And from today, I choose to live in this truth.
It took me a long time to get here, but I’m here now. If you’re going through heartbreak or a falling out with someone, remember this:
“I am in control of my life. I am in control of my actions and my emotions. I can move my toes, throw a tantrum, dance, or go write a cool piece of code.”
I am the ground.