Lately, I have felt a lot of pressure about needing to be at a specific place in my life, whether in a personal or professional capacity.
For context, I am 23 years old, and since childhood, I have aimed to do the very best in any situation I could, despite the obstacles life has thrown at me. I always felt that I should be in this degree by now, _in this job <insert_title> by now because I hold this degree_, or I should be $x$ kgs by now, because the mere idea of not being successful, career-wise or health-wise (yes, gym), was unacceptable. More than that, it was incomprehensible to me. I was a living preacher of the quote, "Failure is not an option."
This approach used to work, but as I have gotten older, I have felt the force of life's unknown (event → e), unpredictable ($\delta$) events that can hit at any time, strongly, like a force vector with a compounding coefficient, which is my age (a):
$$F = a \cdot e \cdot \delta$$
I guess I like physics more than I admit. I had a strong urge to put a variable letter ahead of delta, but I am letting it sit where it is for the time being.
So, like I said, with this compounding force, my previous thought process has been broken. There are things at play that operate completely independently of me, such as illness, the sudden death of a family member, relationships shattering, jobs going away, and close friends changing in ways you do not even recognize anymore.
All the while, you wonder: things in life that used to be your anchors are suddenly pulled from under you, and you are left with yourself in shock, thinking, "What did I ever do to deserve this? This is not how it was supposed to happen. This is not how it is meant to be."
It was my mom who pointed out that not everything in my life is a direct consequence of my actions. As painful as some of these situations have been, there is a beauty, appreciation, and grace in accepting that none of these events were caused by me. I like to view them like an earthquake: it happens, it shakes you, you are lucky you are alive, and you move on.
Acceptance is easier said than done, especially when things feel like they are not in your control. But the key word is this: it is possible. You do not have to control everything, because you cannot, and that is the staggering beauty of this life.
From another person's actions and emotions to an external event like good weather or even a car crash not caused by you, you cannot control it. We can barely even control our own emotions.
However, what we can control is ourselves, and accepting ourselves for who we are.
I have worked on it and learned to do it. I work on accepting my body, my medical conditions, and my flaws every single day. There are some things I cannot do as a healthy human being would, and I accept that. I also accept that my life is not on hold because I am overweight right now (another essay on my cycle of yo-yo dieting coming soon), and I live and move forward every single day.
I accept that I may not be making as much money as the people I grew up with, including some of my best friends. Again, not something in my control.
I accept, and I am proud of the fact, that I made the best of what I was given in this life, and that stays with me forever.
Earlier, it felt like a metaphorical sword and rock hanging over me, signalling that I absolutely had to be there:
X → marks the spot of a perfect weight, perfect job, perfect life.
And the shame was this: if I am not there, then something must be wrong with me. I must not be doing everything in my power to get to X.
There are different factors at play, like the ones I talked about, that affect my ability to climb to this X, regardless of my input, qualifications, or merit. So how would I ever expect to move forward, take care of myself, and show empathy to myself and others, if I am putting so much pressure on myself and associating so much shame with it?
No more.
So, I understood this: life is not a race. Often, you will feel like you are racing against others, or a past version of yourself who used to get work done faster, or looked better, or weighed less, or earned more. However, time only moves forward, and with it, us.
There is no version of you apart from the one in your present. That is the one that needs your care and attention the most, and you need to tell it that it is not running a race, and it does not need to feel the exhaustion of it.
Slow down. Take time. Get to know yourself, and you will see exactly where you are and where you are meant to be going.